Can’t turn off my brain

In my migraine/ipuprofen-induced stupor last night, I had an interesting dream about some friends (former friends?) of mine. It seems I can’t turn off my brain even when I’m sleeping.

First, some history. There was a group of five of us (JK, TF, JL, JS and me) who were best friends in high school. We called ourselves the “Fab Five.” We stayed in touch throughout college, moves to various parts of the country, new jobs, weddings and births.

I started this blog in February 2005, and my friendship with a couple of them (JS and TF) deteriorated from that point. They took offense to things I wrote about, opinions that differed from theirs. I never received supportive comments from them (on ANYTHING I posted about), but I did begin to receive anonymous/using pseudonyms attacking, hurtful comments on certain posts which I easily tracked down to them. When questioned about it on my blog, JS outright lied and would not admit it was her (no doubt not wanting to draw attention to herself and her own blog). Both JS and TF later admitted to the posts (and apologized) in email responses to me. Both also stated (in so many words) that we had nothing in common anymore and we’d grown so far apart that they couldn’t see our friendships continuing. We haven’t spoken since the end of September.

I recently (two weeks ago) emailed the other friend JL but have not heard back from her. I’m not sure if she’s talking to me anymore or not.

The only one who still talks to me and hasn’t judged me despite my differing opinions is JK (who I’ve known since kindergarten). We remain in touch via email. :)

Obviously this is something I still think about on a regular basis. It still bothers me that things escalated so far and ended so poorly. And it has me repeatedly asking myself “why? why? why?”

Anyway, on to the dream.

It started with friend JK (always the peacemaker/rational one of the group) trying to get me to agree to go to some event with the four of them. I told her I did not feel comfortable going to something with them when I knew they wouldn’t want me there. She assured me that they still care about me and would talk to me. I told her I knew that they still read my blog and perhaps they are interested in what’s going on in my life, but I didn’t feel good about hanging out with them after how things had ended between us. It just didn’t feel right to jump back in and pretend like everything was hunky-dory.

Then the dream transitioned to me being in class (chemistry or something), and friend JS was sitting in front me. She talked to me like nothing had ever happened between us. It was awkward and weird.

And that’s all I remember.

So, not really much of a dream after all, but I guess the point is that I still think about these women on a regular basis. I hate not having closure with people and, if our friendships are truly over and we aren’t going to speak anymore, then perhaps I need good closure. I’m not sure how I can get it though. It’s hard when I know these women still read my blog. I don’t understand why they would end it and say good-bye and yet still hang around to read about me when it seems that so many things I’ve written about in the past only upset them.

Oy. Brain hurting again. Must go.


Edited to add:
I debated about writing about this for a long time. And if I did write about it, I wasn’t sure how much detail I wanted to go into. However, now that I have gotten it down, I’m glad that I did. Maybe this is the closure I need to move on. Time will tell.