Can’t turn off my brain

In my migraine/ipuprofen-induced stupor last night, I had an interesting dream about some friends (former friends?) of mine. It seems I can’t turn off my brain even when I’m sleeping.

First, some history. There was a group of five of us (JK, TF, JL, JS and me) who were best friends in high school. We called ourselves the “Fab Five.” We stayed in touch throughout college, moves to various parts of the country, new jobs, weddings and births.

I started this blog in February 2005, and my friendship with a couple of them (JS and TF) deteriorated from that point. They took offense to things I wrote about, opinions that differed from theirs. I never received supportive comments from them (on ANYTHING I posted about), but I did begin to receive anonymous/using pseudonyms attacking, hurtful comments on certain posts which I easily tracked down to them. When questioned about it on my blog, JS outright lied and would not admit it was her (no doubt not wanting to draw attention to herself and her own blog). Both JS and TF later admitted to the posts (and apologized) in email responses to me. Both also stated (in so many words) that we had nothing in common anymore and we’d grown so far apart that they couldn’t see our friendships continuing. We haven’t spoken since the end of September.

I recently (two weeks ago) emailed the other friend JL but have not heard back from her. I’m not sure if she’s talking to me anymore or not.

The only one who still talks to me and hasn’t judged me despite my differing opinions is JK (who I’ve known since kindergarten). We remain in touch via email. :)

Obviously this is something I still think about on a regular basis. It still bothers me that things escalated so far and ended so poorly. And it has me repeatedly asking myself “why? why? why?”

Anyway, on to the dream.

It started with friend JK (always the peacemaker/rational one of the group) trying to get me to agree to go to some event with the four of them. I told her I did not feel comfortable going to something with them when I knew they wouldn’t want me there. She assured me that they still care about me and would talk to me. I told her I knew that they still read my blog and perhaps they are interested in what’s going on in my life, but I didn’t feel good about hanging out with them after how things had ended between us. It just didn’t feel right to jump back in and pretend like everything was hunky-dory.

Then the dream transitioned to me being in class (chemistry or something), and friend JS was sitting in front me. She talked to me like nothing had ever happened between us. It was awkward and weird.

And that’s all I remember.

So, not really much of a dream after all, but I guess the point is that I still think about these women on a regular basis. I hate not having closure with people and, if our friendships are truly over and we aren’t going to speak anymore, then perhaps I need good closure. I’m not sure how I can get it though. It’s hard when I know these women still read my blog. I don’t understand why they would end it and say good-bye and yet still hang around to read about me when it seems that so many things I’ve written about in the past only upset them.

Oy. Brain hurting again. Must go.

Peace.

Edited to add:
I debated about writing about this for a long time. And if I did write about it, I wasn’t sure how much detail I wanted to go into. However, now that I have gotten it down, I’m glad that I did. Maybe this is the closure I need to move on. Time will tell.

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10 thoughts on “Can’t turn off my brain

  1. Where did I just recently hear that the reason women change their friends is because they talk about things together, and the reason men keep theirs is because they do things together?

    I was hurt by an old friend I rekindled with this past year, and I have to admit I gave her the ammunition to hurt me with. It smarts, and it’s a drag, and it’s hard to know when the end really ends.

    Warm wishes that you find peace in your heart.

  2. Amy, I remember that fallout on your blog. And I totally know how it feels when relationships either end (for no reason) or with a fallout. It is hard to be a feeling and caring person–and reconcile that with letting go.

    But you have to take care of yourself, and if it is toxic, that isn’t going to do you any good in the long run.

    I am sorry you are hurting about this.

  3. Thank you, R2Ks. I know it’s not doing me any good to hold onto this, but I haven’t found a good way to let it all go yet. Now that I think of it, I might try some meditation.

  4. I, too, have been through this type of thing and it is hard to let go of relationships we once cherished and/or enjoyed. Especially when they deteriorate fast and end badly. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that not everyone will love or like you, nor you them. People grow apart. You can wish them well, hope they do the same for you (for their benefit as well as yours) and then you just move on. Such is life!

  5. ninotchka, i really appreciate your thoughts and wisdom on this.
    i’m sad to hear that the three of you have had to go through similar fallings-out on your own. it’s a bummer that once treasured relationships have to end badly.

  6. Yes, I am one of the “fab five.” I have come to terms with how things fell apart with Amy.

    Yes, I lied, yes, I still check the blog, yes, I have apologized for it, and yes, I feel horrible about how things transpired.

    Why do I still check the blog? Mainly to check-up on Amy’s sweet pea. I still want to see her grow and know what she is doing, although I think Amy would prefer that I just never checked her site again after what I have said in the past. I haven’t read Amy’s blog in quite some time (and that is no lie).

    I still check her blog because I am upset with myself for what I’ve done and maybe deep down, I really didn’t want the relationship to end, but I was so distraught about our differences that I just didn’t want to admit that it was over.

    I started my own blog after our relationship came to a hault and just yesterday, I deleted the whole thing. I had way to much personal info on the internet and I wasn’t comfortable with that.

    Anyway, I just wanted to try to explain what I had done to Amy and that I am sorry for it and don’t blame her for being upset. And Amy, if you would rather I didn’t check your site or Ava’s, just tell me and I’ll stop.

  7. hey janelle,
    thx for your response. i just didn’t understand why you would continue to come to my blog when i know it upset you so much in the past.
    anyway, i appreciate your candor.
    i don’t mind if you continue to read my blog or ava’s site. i just have this fear in the back of my mind that one day i will log on here and there will be another attack. i know we disagree on many issues, but i won’t tolerate attacks anymore. as long as i don’t have to worry about that, then it’s fine.
    i have to admit when i saw the name of your first blog (with your last name), i thought you might be putting a little too much info out there (considering the crazies in the world), but i figured that was your decision. glad you found a way to continue to blog (it’s hard to give up, isn’t it?) but keeping it less personal for everyone’s safety. :)

  8. There will be no more attacks from me. :)

    Yes, you are right…I had only had my blog for a short while and I only gave it up for a couple days. I had to start another one because I actually missed checking it!

    Anyway, I do whole-heartedly apologize and I just hope you believe that.

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