I haven’t blogged the past few days because I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts. I’ve been having a lot of apprehension about the thought of having two kids in a short amount of time and wondering how in the world I’m going to have enough of myself to go around. How will I be able to take care of everybody and still care for myself?
I know mothers have been doing it for centuries and I will get through it, but I still have anxiety about it all. I worry that Ava will feel neglected after being the center of my world for the past two-plus years. I worry that baby boy won’t get the attention that Ava got while she was a baby. I worry that nobody will get any sleep and that I will be a walking zombie for months on end.
And, rationally, I know all of these fears are perfectly normal. I know that Ava won’t get the amount of attention that she’s used to. I know that baby boy won’t get the same attention that Ava got as a baby. And I know that sleep will certainly suffer for a while. But I know that we will all live through it, even though there will be hard times.
I also know that Ava and baby boy will have the attention and affection of each other throughout the years and that they will share a special bond unlike the bond they share with me or Jody – and that makes me smile. :)
Part of all of this worry comes from the fact that I have had the role of primary caregiver at night for all of Ava’s life. When she wakes up at night even now, mommy is who she wants. Even though she night-weaned 6 months or so ago, she still wants only mommy to rub her back or cuddle her back to sleep. (Don’t get me wrong. Jody is a great daddy and helps out a lot, but in the middle of the night, only mommy will do.) I don’t know that I will be able to continue with this role once baby boy is here since I feel like he will have the greater need for me (nursing) in the middle of the night. I anticipate this meaning a lot of tears for a few nights while Ava adjusts to daddy having to comfort her back to sleep and that is hard for me, but I know we will all get through it.
I know that I need to accept help when it is offered or even *gasp* ask for it. Today was actually a good example of me realizing I needed a break and asking for help. Because I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed the past few days, I decided to call my sister and see if she could take Ava out to the park for a while so I could have some time just to myself. She was more than happy to help out and I got some practice some relaxation, watch “LOST” (which Jody taped for me last night since I was out at an acupuncture appointment) and get dinner started. It was wonderful and very much needed. :)
I’m also realizing that there’s no way to predict how the first few weeks/months after baby boy joins us are going to go, so there’s no sense wasting time worrying about it now. I have to remember to live for today, and that’s it. Much easier for me to say than to put into practice, but maybe if I make it my mantra, I can do it.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble as I attempted to sort out my thoughts. ;)