Holding onto hot coals

Earlier this week I finally got around to configuring my iGoogle page. If you haven’t set one up yet, you should do it. I like that I can have several important (to me) things on one page and I especially love that it has a To Do list right there. I’m constantly wanting to jot down reminders to myself and I either can’t find a pen or if I do, I end up losing the little slip of paper to a pocket abyss or the paper/receipt monster that lives in our house. So yes, iGoogle To Do list = Happy Amy. I added in some news headlines, of course my gmail, weather info for my city, a dictionary search bar, and a Buddhist Thought of the Day.

The first Buddhist Thought of the Day I read a few days seemed like it was written just for me. It said: “Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned.” – Buddha

I am always doing this. I have the hardest time letting things go.

Take today for example. I’m trying to sell some things we have laying around the house/yard on Craigslist. I posted an ad for 12 steel fence posts that we used to block off part of our yard while we tried to reseed it last year. The posts have since come out and were just sitting around. I had no idea how much Jody paid for them originally so I just went ahead and listed them at $1 a piece or $12 for all 12. When I told Jody what I priced them at, he thought it was a little low. So I added $3 on and changed the ad to say 12 for $15. But this was after a few people had already emailed me to express their interest in them. When I replied to the second guy on the list to tell him that the first person found some other ones closer to her house and mine were still available, I told him that my husband asked me to ask for three more dollars and asked him if he was still interested, when could he pick them up, etc. His response? “Tell your husband, no thanks. Go ahead and spend some more of your time trying to sell them.” I’m sorry, but why the attitude? Why couldn’t he just say no thanks? Why act like an ass?

So I’ve been trying to figure out what this guy’s problem is all morning. I wanted to write back and tell him where to go, but I haven’t and won’t. I guess I could just post his email address here and everyone could spam him for me. LOL That might make me feel better. ;) Just kidding. But seriously, I am trying to let go of this hot coal, but I haven’t yet and it keeps burning me. Why can’t I just let it go?

Perhaps this is yet another reason why I need therapy. Speaking of which, I should go make a phone call. ;)

Tummy 2 Tummy DVD winner

The winner of the Tummy 2 Tummy Babywearing Instructional DVD is #18 – Deb – Mom of 3 Girls!

Congratulations Deb! I hope you enjoy it and can pass it along to others when you are finished with it. :)

For those of you who didn’t win, the good news is that Sharon Pickersgill (the creator of Tummy 2 Tummy) has said she’d be happy to offer up another DVD for a second contest in a few months. So be sure to check back to win!

I’ll have a new contest (of the green variety) coming up early next week. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, if you are looking for another babywearing contest right now, check out the From Dates to Diapers giveaway where Christine is giving away a Ziggy Stardust Baby Pouch from Rockin’ Baby Sling. I’ve been checking out pouches for a while now and would love to have this one to use with Julian. :) It looks awesome!

Deep thoughts

The kids and I went to our monthly API meeting this morning, then met up with Jody (since he works only a couple blocks from where our meetings are held) to go to lunch.

While we were driving I said to Jody half-jokingly, “I need a haircut. I don’t like myself right now.” To which he replied, “It sounds like you also need some counseling.” :oP

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I thought, “What am I saying? What kind of statement is that to make in front of my kids?” Yes, it’s true that I am frustrated with my hair lately, but to say I don’t like myself because of it? That’s not the kind of message I want to send.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that come out of my mouth in front of the kids lately, mostly because I’m starting to hear a lot of it coming back at me from the little sponge AKA Ava. She may only be 3 years old, but she’s very perceptive and picks up on just about everything. As the saying goes, “Little pitchers have big ears.” I need to be more aware of the words I speak and my tone as well.

Ava is such a sweet, empathic girl and I’d hate to see her outlook on life become warped somehow because of me. We as parents have so much influence in our children’s worlds. It’s almost frightening.

I’m not sure what I need to do to fix this, though I have some ideas. Jody’s statement about me needing counseling was actually quite accurate.

A few weeks ago, my sister picked up a book for me called “The ACOA’s Guide to Raising Healthy Children: A Parenting Handbook for the Adult Children of Alcoholics.” I thumbed through the pages a day or two after she dropped it off and as I read a bit here and a bit there, I became overwhelmed. The personal accounts I read from other ACOAs really hit home for me.

I began to realize that while I tried my best to ignore and forget many things from my childhood, they are still there. I began to realize that they are reemerging in my life now that I have children. I began to realize that these things are keeping me from being the kind of parent I want to be. And then I began to cry. Tears of anger and tears of relief.

I know I have a long road ahead of me, but it feels good to know that by accepting that I have problems and I need help that I’ve at least taken the first step.

It takes two

It was a short weekend around here since Jody was working out in CA last week and didn’t get back home ’til late in the afternoon on Saturday. I felt like I needed another day to recuperate from his absence, but c’est la vie. The mommy show must go on.

Before he went on his trip, he left “I love you” notes scattered around the house. They were waiting for us to discover when we woke up that morning and we continued to find them while he was gone. On the coffee table, Julian’s changing pad, the front window, Ava’s carseat, tucked in a cereal box, on the calendar, etc. It was like a little treasure hunt for Ava (and, I admit it, me too). :) He also painted “I love you” with Ava’s paints and left that at her spot at the dining room table and spelled it out in wooden blocks on the floor. :) Very sweet.

Things around here went pretty well without Jody home, though it was tiring and I admit I am NOT fond of handling the bedtime routine with two kids by myself. I’ve decided that to practice attachment parenting during the bedtime rituals with two kids, you really need TWO parents – at least I do.

I lay down with Ava each night as she goes to sleep. She has a little mama’s milk, then rolls over and goes to sleep. It usually takes 10-15 minutes tops before she’s out like a light and then I get up and carry on with my evening. Attempting to do that with a squirmy, acrobatic nursing 9-month-old who likes to sing and chatter up a storm does not make for such a smooth transition. So a routine that usually takes 10 minutes turned into an hour. It was only after Julian finished his songs and gymnastics, settled down and nursed to sleep that it was quiet enough for Ava to fall asleep herself around 9 p.m. It was a good thing I started the routine early or we may have all been up ’til midnight.

I’m thankful to have my husband home and a part of the bedtime routine once again. It goes so much more smoothly with two parents participating. :)

I’m heading to bed now to try to play sleep catch-up. We’ve got music class in the morning and last week it was like an aerobic workout I tell ya. I need all the Zzzzzzs I can get before attempting that again.