Why I’m trying to let go of the mommy guilt & focus on myself & my marriage

Tomorrow I am dropping off my son Julian at his first day of preschool. He’s not even 3 yet – he’ll be 2 until the end of November. Sigh.

Although my heart wants to home school or unschool Ava, I’m not giving in and instead am leaving her in public school for kindergarten (in a class of 25 kids) this year. Sigh.

Why am I doing these things and going against my heart instead of following it? Because my head tells me they are the right things to do – for now.

I’ve spent the past five-plus years of my life pouring myself into my kids. They have been my world. Although intellectually I knew having balance in my life was important, I always seemed to neglect the idea. Instead of taking care myself or my marriage (things that would have required a good deal of effort), I distracted myself with my children. That’s not to say I regret putting my kids first because I don’t, but I wish that I would’ve found a way to make myself and my marriage a priority during this time too. My mental health has suffered. My marriage has suffered.

Many of you know I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder earlier this year. I’ve been going to individual therapy for months, as well as on a low dose of Zoloft. My husband Jody and I have also been going to couple’s therapy off and on for a few months. We both have a lot of work to do, and while I’ve doubted in the past whether or not we can make it, I’m feeling more confident that we can. It’s not going to be easy, but the things worth fighting for never are.

All of this to say that I’ve decided, after talking to my psychiatrist and doing some serious soul searching, that it’s time for me to stop focusing only on my children and time for me to focus on myself too. That means Ava will stay in public school this year and Julian will attend preschool (the same Waldorf home-based preschool Ava attended) one day a week. It will give me a little time to myself. I know the temptation to catch up on housework or waste the day away sitting on the computer will be great, but I hope to use some of that time every Wednesday to nurture myself (as well as volunteer in Ava’s classroom for two hours every other week – see, I can’t give up focusing on my kids that easily).

While this might not be exactly what I wanted or envisioned, it is what I believe will work best for us – for now. I will try to put my mommy guilt aside and focus instead on getting myself healthy and my marriage to a better place – both of which will benefit myself AND my children in the long run.

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The event that changed my life forever

Five years ago today my life experienced a dramatic change – for the better. It was five years ago today, with the birth of my daughter Ava, that I became a mother.

It’s amazing to me how something like becoming a mother can be such a profound experience, but I really feel that I wasn’t able to fully discover who I was until that life-changing event. That’s not to say that the moment my daughter was born a lightbulb went off over my head and I knew my purpose in life, but being a mother has caused me to experience life and think about things in ways I don’t think I would have been able to otherwise.

The past five years have been enlightening, maddening, exciting, challenging, amazing, frightening, hilarious, beautiful, heart-wrenching, and joyful – sometimes all at once! Motherhood is unlike any other experience I’ve ever had and I am so thankful I am able to be a part of it.

A couple days ago I was rereading a journal I kept before Ava was conceived. There are only a few entries in it, but this one in particular, from Aug. 31, 2003, stood out. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this on my blog before or not, but Jody and I did not have an easy time conceiving her and actually had to have a little help via the IUI (intrauterine insemination) route. I wrote about my sadness and wanting so badly to be pregnant, to have that experience of being a mother.

“I am so looking forward to nurturing, teaching and sharing our lives and the world with our child(ren). I am looking forward to that first smile, the first laugh, the first step, the first words, hearing “I love you, Mom” and absolutely everything else that goes along with it.

I know I will never take my child for granted.”

Rereading that journal entry was a good reminder for me of how hard we fought to get Ava in our lives in the first place. And even though being a mother can be very challenging at times, it is also so rewarding and something I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I feel so fortunate that I have been able to experience all of those “firsts” not once, but twice with both Ava and Julian. Motherhood is an incredible gift and I feel so blessed to get to experience it.

Thank you, Ava, for making me a mom and getting me started on a path of self-discovery I may have missed out on otherwise. I am a better person because of you. I hope your birthday and year are filled with as much magic and wonder as you bring to my life every day. I love you.